Rooted in Meaningful Friendships

Most people don’t know I struggle with social anxiety. My professional work is very people-focused and community-focused. It’s a secret I hold close to my chest like poker-playing cards. Social anxiety is a beast that sits on my chest trying to prevent me from living my best life. My closest, dearest friends know this about me. I love them for accepting me as I am - fun, neurotic, solemn, jovial, intelligent, nerdy, weird, and so many other things that make up the essence of my being. I am forever thankful for them. They are my forever friends. I’m blessed that our paths have crossed and have stayed in such close proximity along our continuum of life. 

Even with my most wonderful cadre of friends, adulthood can sometimes feel lonely, especially as a single woman. Folks will lament it’s hard to make friends when you’re an adult. I think that’s somewhat true. It can be tough. I also believe that sometimes we forget how to make an effort. Like back when I was a kid, you would go over to your friend’s house and knock on the front door or call them on the phone to see if they’re home, if they wanna play or hang out. As adults, we start taking on a lot of responsibilities and caring about things we never thought would be the priorities in life over our friends. Before you know it, a lot of times pass, and that friend that you used to talk to all the time hasn’t heard from you in ages. It’s not necessarily anybody’s fault until that moment when I realize I didn’t make the call; I didn’t pop over. It was totally unintended. Since adulthood is also about accepting accountability, I realize I need to be the one to step up and make the call. Be the one to show up, especially when I say I’m going to be there. That’s not always easy. It’s easy to be like “they didn’t call me,” but is that really enough? They might be a little peeved that I had gone missing in action. My hope is that they understand I still care about them. I’m the type to pick up from where we left off. Hopefully, we were on good terms. If not, perhaps we are in a place where we can heal from past desolation. I can only account for my feelings. 

Now let’s add a layer of social anxiety. Social anxiety is a gnarly beast. My mind races; my heart palpitates; my hands shake; I sweat; my inner monologue is way too long and loud and downright snarky. Post-COVID, the beast was louder and stealthier. I missed BBQs, dinners, and baby showers, time with friends that I will never get back. Talk about making it hard to connect or reconnect in social settings - missing parties and events - because the nervous system is feeling completely overwhelmed - followed by the depressive feeling of why can’t I just be better. It’s exhausting and leads to a feeling of malaise - taking me out of the equation of meaningful friendships (basically missing out on life). 

So, that was me, and I didn’t want it to continue to be me. I needed to change, and I slowly dipped my toe back in the water of meaningful social interactions. First, I went to therapy - a life-changing event in itself - an opportunity to talk about all the things that created this beast that was tough to shake. I learned about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy technique - a soothing technique to help me regulate my feelings and emotions, especially when I’m overwhelmed. Then, I took the step of calling or texting one or two friends I have not spoken with in a while. The beast said, “They won’t talk to you. They’re too busy, and they just won’t care what you’ve got going on.” I learned that the beast was wrong. My friends care about me. Just as I care about them. We could talk about serious things, laugh, joke, and cry together. I could ask for their advice. I could ask for help - that’s huge! And this isn’t one way. They could ask those things of me, too, with no judgment or need for transaction - only friendship love. 

Because of my friends and their encouragement, I am becoming a first-time homeowner. They jumped on this journey with me - looking at house in-person and online, sharing their wisdom from their own journeys, giving me solid, honest feedback, and listening to my struggles along the way. Without them, I would be stuck in my malaise, feeling lonely and not pushing my journey in the direction I need and want it to go.

My friends who are rooted in prayer offer up the gospel; my friends who are rooted in meditation send me light; my friends rooted in practicality give it to me straight. To be rooted in this community of love and friendship is a true blessing from God. Now, when I feel down and alone, and the beast tries to sit on my chest and keep me down, I call on my friends who are my family.